The other day we received an incredible free magazine: NEWLIFE EXPO — America’s Largest Mind, Body, Spirit Expo. Its highly intelligent content, its carefully-placed typos, and its cohesive aesthetic have provided Franci and me with more belly laughs than any comedy magazine ever could.
So I thought I’d give you a little taste. One of the speakers is Sean David Morton, who’s a guru in that tantalizing field we’ve all heard so much about: “Quantum Enlightenment Dynamics”.
You might think he would discourse on the synergy between quantum physics, the Enlightenment, and fluid dynamics. But Mr Morton has even grander ideas. So without further ado, I’ll quote his blurb — note that all capitalization and spelling mistakes are original, as is the fact that it’s all a single cohesive paragraph:
SEAN DAVID MORTON
Quantum Enlightenment Dynamics
Sean David Morton Unleashes The Next Level Of Power And Attainment:q.e.d.quantum Enlightenment Dynamics The Power of Healing and Creation like you have never seen. “The Laws of the Universe work….Right up until they Don’t!” Sean-David Morton. It is in this Gleaming White space of the quantum construct of pure light and highest will, that We Voice Our Intention To The Universe And…. miricles Happen! Create fantastic and unbelievable shifts, changes and events in your life by learning the techniques and laws of true magick and the attainment of unlimited power. From the activation of the healing Violet Flame within you, which cleanses all negative energy, fear and doubt, to the unleashing of the God Force resonating through you from beyond space and time, you are about to embark on a magical mystery tour of your own potential as the highest and grandest creature in all Creation: a fully realized Human Being. Learn Divine Nonchalance, as your angelic nature and power is energized. ‘Get Your Wings’, as hundreds of rare people have, as Sean David Morton will activate your Mighty Wings, putting a Legion of Angeles at your beck and call to serve you for your greatest and highest good. You will learn the Ascended Masters 12 Chakra meditation, the secret and sacred Taoist Stance Of Immortality, the Seven Tibetan Rites for perfect health, and the “Meditation of the Magician” a mental construct allowing you to command the most powerful forces in the universe. Our Lord Jesus gave us two simple missions when he commanded us to “Preach The Gospel!” and “Heal The Sick!” QED will give you all the skill to access the Information Wave Of The Quantum Field, to be able to lay hands upon others and travel Back In Time, and manifest past lives to repair karmic, emotional and physical damage. You will not only be able to See into the body, but return it to health, balance and wellness. Learn how your Biography becomes your Biology, and then Watch It Shift And Change Before Your Eyes! Warning! Wear Loose Clothing!
I’m not pulling your leg — all of that was in there. If you can count the number of religions this melds together, my hat off to you. (If this stuff wasn’t completely unintelligible, it would actually be quite scary.)
By the time we got to “Wear Loose Clothing!”, Franci and I were laughing so hard we were shedding ocular fluid. The Onion couldn’t have said it better. On that note, I urge my fellow satirists to beware. If we’re not careful, people like this are going to put us out of a job!
Oh, and one other exhibit while the going’s good. Here’s the inside front cover, obviously a prime advertisement spot, showing a picture of the uber-handsome “awakened indigo master” William Jones with his crystal bowls. Franci calls this guy “The Poodle”: