Aliens in the Apple

Quantum Enlightenment Dynamics

Ben 19 Mar 2012 Culture Funny things

The other day we received an incredible free magazine: NEWLIFE EXPO — America’s Largest Mind, Body, Spirit Expo. Its highly intelligent content, its carefully-placed typos, and its cohesive aesthetic have provided Franci and me with more belly laughs than any comedy magazine ever could.

So I thought I’d give you a little taste. One of the speakers is Sean David Morton, who’s a guru in that tantalizing field we’ve all heard so much about: “Quantum Enlightenment Dynamics”.

You might think he would discourse on the synergy between quantum physics, the Enlightenment, and fluid dynamics. But Mr Morton has even grander ideas. So without further ado, I’ll quote his blurb — note that all capitalization and spelling mistakes are original, as is the fact that it’s all a single cohesive paragraph:

Quantum Enlightenment Dynamics

Sean David Morton Unleashes The Next Level Of Power And Attainment:q.e.d.quantum Enlightenment Dynamics The Power of Healing and Creation like you have never seen. “The Laws of the Universe work….Right up until they Don’t!” Sean-David Morton. It is in this Gleaming White space of the quantum construct of pure light and highest will, that We Voice Our Intention To The Universe And…. miricles Happen! Create fantastic and unbelievable shifts, changes and events in your life by learning the techniques and laws of true magick and the attainment of unlimited power. From the activation of the healing Violet Flame within you, which cleanses all negative energy, fear and doubt, to the unleashing of the God Force resonating through you from beyond space and time, you are about to embark on a magical mystery tour of your own potential as the highest and grandest creature in all Creation: a fully realized Human Being. Learn Divine Nonchalance, as your angelic nature and power is energized. ‘Get Your Wings’, as hundreds of rare people have, as Sean David Morton will activate your Mighty Wings, putting a Legion of Angeles at your beck and call to serve you for your greatest and highest good. You will learn the Ascended Masters 12 Chakra meditation, the secret and sacred Taoist Stance Of Immortality, the Seven Tibetan Rites for perfect health, and the “Meditation of the Magician” a mental construct allowing you to command the most powerful forces in the universe. Our Lord Jesus gave us two simple missions when he commanded us to “Preach The Gospel!” and “Heal The Sick!” QED will give you all the skill to access the Information Wave Of The Quantum Field, to be able to lay hands upon others and travel Back In Time, and manifest past lives to repair karmic, emotional and physical damage. You will not only be able to See into the body, but return it to health, balance and wellness. Learn how your Biography becomes your Biology, and then Watch It Shift And Change Before Your Eyes! Warning! Wear Loose Clothing!

I’m not pulling your leg — all of that was in there. If you can count the number of religions this melds together, my hat off to you. (If this stuff wasn’t completely unintelligible, it would actually be quite scary.)

By the time we got to “Wear Loose Clothing!”, Franci and I were laughing so hard we were shedding ocular fluid. The Onion couldn’t have said it better. On that note, I urge my fellow satirists to beware. If we’re not careful, people like this are going to put us out of a job!

Oh, and one other exhibit while the going’s good. Here’s the inside front cover, obviously a prime advertisement spot, showing a picture of the uber-handsome “awakened indigo master” William Jones with his crystal bowls. Franci calls this guy “The Poodle”:

Comments (8)

Jeremy E 19 Mar 2012 at 1:15pm

I want that guy’s hair. For serious.

Hannah 19 Mar 2012 at 10:06pm

At first, I thought that this was a publication from a few hundred years ago…right up until I Didn’t–“important” words capitalized and arbitrary spellings, etc. “Healing Violet Flame” and “Divine Nonchalance?” Were you provided with the magazine on the subway, as hundreds of rare people have been; or where did you acquire it? I am in loose clothing at the moment but hardly, I think, in the Stance of Immortality. And no thanks on activating my Mighty Wings. The glitches in activating my [not-as-yet-wireless] internet has been enough for one month. Wonder what WJ’s biography was if his hair looks like that?

Jeremy, wait till after the reception…please! :)

Laurel 20 Mar 2012 at 4:10am

Enjoyed reading this over at the dinner table!

The scary part is, people (Kiwis certainly included) do fall for stuff like this. We have a house just down the street which advertises this type of garbage.

Ben 20 Mar 2012 at 11:52am

Heh, thanks Hannah. “Divine Nonchalance” is going to become a running joke around here. No, we were not provided with the magazine on the subway, but right to our mailbox, as hundreds of ordinary apartment-holders have.

rickandsusanna 21 Mar 2012 at 9:28am

Wow… and how can I join their mailing list? I suppose if I voice my intention to the universe and travel through time to insert myself into the list prior to distribution.

rickandsusanna 21 Mar 2012 at 9:31am

Hey look at that, I think I’ve unlocked true magick and unlimited power, here it is in PDF form:

Hannah 21 Mar 2012 at 9:32am

The running joke…I can imagine. :) Will look forward to perpetuating it.

Ben 21 Mar 2012 at 12:46pm

Heh, that’s the one alright!